I love black thongs
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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