Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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