Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
