is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
