This is not my ceiling
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sober January is a disaster.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
