Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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