I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
