my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
