can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
