Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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