one might say we're banned from that church
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
