I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
