never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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