ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
