Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
