I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
