I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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