Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
