You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
