Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
