You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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