Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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