Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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