I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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