I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
