I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
