I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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