I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Randomize
