I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You did what with his pubic hair?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
