Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
