go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
