About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
