can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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