Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
