mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Im part way to drunk.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
