Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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