That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
