can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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