please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
