I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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