Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
