I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
