how can u be prego again
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
