I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
