You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
