I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
