I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
