The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
