I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
