Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you had me at cake vodka
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
