I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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