I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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