Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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