Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
