I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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