He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
