Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
