a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
