why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i think i have herpe
just one?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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